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My Husband Is A Bully

My husband thinks the world is his kingdom. Everyone is suppose to be there when he snaps his fingers. He degrades woman on TV and in his surroundings. Not one person seems to have a good quality in his eyes. He is opinionated, but gives no chance for your opinion. He constantly blows his top, but turns the table to make himself believe that you were the “evil ” one that blew the top. He acts like a gentleman and a saint when he’s out, but we (me and the kids) know that’s not his true character. Something’s wrong with his brains. It’s probably from all the drugs he took (he told me, plus other relatives have said) when he was younger.
He was a very violent man. He used to get jealous if I just looked outside the car window as he drove when a cop was giving someone a ticket. He blew his top when I mentioned how cute a baby was in a stroller. He said I said that because I was looking at the baby’s dad who was pushing the stroller. I wouldn’t even recognize the dad in a lineup! He would pick on me whenever there was an event that we were invited to, just because his friends said I was beautiful. I said I would never attend another event with him ever again. After that I stopped taking care of myself and stopped wearing makeup too.
He used to bully and punch me until one day I said, “hit me again and I’ll call the cops”. He hasn’t hit me in awhile, but his bullying never stopped.
Why is he so verbally abusive? I try really hard to make every day comfortable for him, but he always spoils my endeavors.
I wish he would disappear. If not, I’m going to have to. He makes me sad and miserable. I would rather die than to be with him.

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Apologies with my life…

For times you hated what I stood for…..for those moments in life that you thought I was the sinister cause of….for those “I hate that you are my mother” moments…. I make it up to you soon with my life.
You see, I understand you because I feel that way about my own mother. (As revealed in “A Letter to My Mother”.)
One of my daughters insist that she is going to have only one child because she doesn’t want “favorites”. I tried to reassure that parents don’t have favorites and that we love all our children. I mentioned that sometimes it just seems that way because some children call or talk to their parents more than others. I tried telling her that having girls might be beneficial in old age because they are usually the one to take care of their parents. Well, I certainly did and continue to do. But after saying it, I noticed that it definitely is not the case for me even in my current condition. I have four children. But not even one wants to live with us or come to help out when I am ill. So, who am I to tell her about the benefit of having a daughter?